Dealing with difficult parents: Scripts for saying no
Are your difficult parents driving you crazy? You know you need to set boundaries with them, but you find yourself freezing up when you know you should say no. Family boundaries are hard. The guilt and worry you feel when your loved ones are disappointed in you is so unbearable you'd rather just give in. You might feel less anxious at first, but self sacrifice starts to take a toll. Family boundaries are worth investing in. Here are some scripts to help say no to your difficult parents.
Why are family boundaries so hard?
Guilt
The first step to saying no to your difficult parents is to examine your feelings of guilt. Guilt is an automatic and rarely questioned response when you think you've disappointed someone. It can come on suddenly and intensely, causing you to act without thinking (i.e. sure! i can come by after work when you actually have plans with a friend that you were looking forward to). Start by slowing down and checking in with why you feel guilty.
Common reasons might be:
You feel sorry for them
You think they're helpless or incapable
You've been taking care of them your whole life
Once you've located a reason, check in to see if the expectations you have of yourself are fair and realistic. You may ask yourself, would I expect this of them (or my kids) if I was in their shoes?
Gender Expectations
Another reason you may feel guilty is because of how you were raised. This is especially true for women. Girls start learning at a young age to be loving, caring, considerate, and focused on nurturing. It can be hard to go against gender expectations in our culture.
How You Were Raised
Guilt is also a tool used by parents to teach kids lessons and empathy. Think about that phrase "i'm not angry, i'm just disappointed". If your parents are especially demanding, difficult and self centered, they may use guilt excessively and inappropriately.
Family boundaries are worth investing in, even if it's not easy. It's normal to feel anxious and fearful in the beginning. Difficult parents expect a lot and are self centered. They don't react well to disappointment and they're going to push when you try to set a boundary. They may resort to harmful tactics like yelling, calling you names, threatening you or giving you the silent treatment. While that is scary and painful to experience, think of all the stress you're saving by being free to spend your time the way you want instead of complying with their demands.
Confident Communication
The next step to dealing with difficult parents is finding ways to communicate with them that you are confident in. There's passive, assertive, and aggressive ways of communicating. Aggressive and assertive are often confused with each other. Assertive communication is direct but it doesn't have to be mean. You can still validate or empathize with your parents and say no to their requests. Here are some scripts to get you started with saying no in an assertive manner.
I'd love to help you, but I'm actually busy. Can we schedule a time for me to come over?
I'm sorry but I'm not available.
I understand it's frustrating that you have to wait to have this done.
I wish I could, but it's just not possible right now.
Now you might get a "Why not? What are you doing? What am I gonna do? You're so selfish!". Do your best to remain calm. Don't get sucked into the guilt trip! Your difficult parents are not entitled to your time and you're not a kid anymore.
I'm busy. I'm sorry I can't help.
We have different definitions of selfish.
It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I'm not available.
I can help when I have the time.
We can talk about this when you can agree not to call me names.
I get why you're frustrated and I'm sorry I can't help right now.
This is a starting point to help you feel more confident saying no to your difficult parents. While these scripts may be helpful, you might also consider seeing a therapist to get more personalized support. Setting family boundaries and communicating assertively takes time to implement and having the support of a therapist will help you feel more confident.
Imagine the peace you would gain if you could tolerate your difficult parents without resorting to self sacrifice. Family boundaries are important and will help your mental health in the long run. You may even be surprised to see that your relationship improves and maybe they even respect you more.
I'm a therapist with 10+ years of experience helping clients navigate difficult relationships with their families. Helping clients deal with their difficult parents is one of my favorite issues to work on in therapy. I studied family systems in my Master's Program and come from a family with intergenerational trauma. If you're interested or curious about working with me, book a consultation. I'd love to help.