Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
Internal Family Systems or IFS is a therapy that works by resolving emotional pain by healing wounded “parts”. Rather than seeing our psyche as one, IFS sees you as a system of parts that are often in conflict with each other (i.e. like an inner family, hence the name). Parts are born from past experiences that caused you pain and they developed to protect you or carry the pain.
Some common parts are:
Parts that want to be perfect.
Parts that step in to numb or distract you from unpleasant feelings.
Parts that criticize you.
Parts that constantly second guess your decisions or make you worry.
Parts that feel worthless.
Parts who feel extreme anger or rage.
Have you ever felt like this?
Body image: A part of you that wants to eat healthy, and another part that craves and binges.
Anxiety: A part that wants a big change, and another part of you that says something bad is going to happen.
Intimacy: A part that really wants to commit to a relationship, and another part warning you they can't be trusted.
People pleasing: A part that is really craving rest, and another part that says you are selfish and bad.
When you put it this way, most of us can relate. Have you ever noticed yourself saying "a part of me wants…". Looking at your psyche as a system of parts makes sense. Your pain isn't who you are, it's just a part of you.
Protective Parts
Protective parts work to keep other, less desirable parts in check. When a protective part senses some kind of danger, it will jump in to rescue you. You might be wondering, what's wrong with that? Well even though the intent of all your parts is to keep you from feeling pain, they often resort to extremes that prevent you from reaching your full potential or inadvertently cause you pain. Think of your inner critic. It wants you to reach your full potential (good intent) but it does so by being harsh, mean and rigid (you can't get fat or no one will like you). Protectors are often burned out, unhappy and afraid to change even though they truly want what's best for you.
Exiles
Exiles are sensitive, often younger parts that are carrying burdens from the past. They're known as exiles because they are often unconscious or buried parts of yourself that you don't like. They have extreme beliefs and emotions that you want to ignore like sadness, rage, humiliation, or fear. Exiles carry the burden of a past trauma or upsetting event and protector parts are working hard to protect you by keeping the exiles from conscious awareness.
Exiles do break through occasionally when you're in a situation that reminds that part of a painful past experience. When an exile takes over, you feel intense emotions and might be having thoughts like you're worthless, no one can be trusted, no one likes you, or someone is trying to harm you.
The Self
Underneath these parts, you have an inner self that embodies the best of who you are. When you have access to self, you feel calm, curious, and open to experiences. I like to imagine the self as a wise mother, almost like a goddess, who is soothing, fearless and loving. Learning how to access the self is the first step in the IFS process. We use the power of your self to heal your inner system of parts.
How does IFS work?
I typically introduce IFS as an experiential process. Rather than coming into therapy to talk about your problems in a logical manner, outlining events and your thoughts and feelings about them, you're turning inward by slowing down, noticing your body, and becoming aware of the thoughts and feelings inside. It's kind of like meditating or hypnosis.
I work as the therapist to help you access your self and your parts. Through gentle contact with these parts, you start to uncover unconscious sources of pain and work towards healing them. Protective parts will transform into parts that are more relaxed and supportive. Exiles will let go of the painful memories they carry, often transforming as well into more confident and peaceful parts. It's amazing over the course of therapy how the images of these parts will change as they heal.
What does IFS work with?
Anxiety
Perfectionism
Eating Disorders
Depression
Trauma
Relationship Issues
Addiction
This might sound a little daunting, scary or weird. One important aspect of using IFS is that it is slightly structured and gentle. We don't just jump in and start confronting your exiles, that wouldn't be effective. We go at a slow pace, taking time to build trust with your protectors and accessing self before we get into anything that might feel too overwhelming. We also respect your parts and if they aren't ready to be seen or worked with, we let them be until they are. IFS is not a quick fix, it's a transformative process that takes time but the results are long lasting.
Resources
Self-Therapy: A Step by Step Guide to Creating Wholeness Using IFS, 3rd Edition by Jay Earley